Volturi Mad Spoof
by xXMythical-Midnight-SunXx
Summary: This is a collection of random times at the Volturi castle... prepare to laugh, cry, and be disturbed. Please R
1. Cockroaches?

**disclaimer: Me: Twilight? .... nope don't own it.**

**Stephanie: Oh thank God! You ain't gonna fight m like your friend Raven (crazykgirl9)**

**Me: (thinks of all the times Raven and I have made up schemes to steal MS over the phone) Well..**

**Raven: HI!!!**

**Stephanie: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! (runs away)**

**Me: (high fives Raven, then we steal the MS off the fishhook Raven had attatched to her back pocket b4 appearing)**

**A/N: Random disclaimer.... well this is going to be downright random!**

**somewhere in the Volturi castle**

Jane: AAAAAACK!!!! A COCKROACH!!!!

Marcus: I don't care....

Alec: You never care.

Aro: (eats cockroach)

Jane: EEEEEEEW!!! What the heck did you do that for?

Aro: Just expanding my research on bugs life.

Jane: Then just watch the Disney Movie!

Aro: What is this movie contraption you speak of?

Jane: HOPELESS!!!!!!!!!

Alec: Calm dow-

Jane: I AM CALM!

Aro: (in sing-song voice) Someone's PMS-ing!

Sulpicia: Oh grow up you idiot.

Aro: Hey! You're the one who married this idiot.

Sulpicia: (giggles) Yep.

Jane: Oh, please get a room!

Alec: YES! We are only twelve, we don't want to see this!

(Aro and Sulpicia walk off making out as they go)

Caius: (disturbed look toward Aro and Sulpicia's room)

Alec: (covers Jane's ears)

Caius: (covers Marcus' ears)

Marcus: What are you doing you idiot?

Caius: (crying) Stop calling me that! I have feelings!

Alec: (in shocked tone) Really?!

Marcus: Don't care...

Jane: Duh.

Caius: I hate you Marcus! I take what happened between us last night wasn't real.

Jane and Alec: (le gasp)

Marcus: No, it wasn't.

Aro: (walks out in boxers with 'Alice Cullen' written on them) No...

Alec: What is with your underwear?!

Aro: TINY PHSYCIC VAMPIRES FOR THE WIN!

Everyone: (blink blink)

Aro: ............... Anyway.... You two had- (looks at Jane and Alec) You two had something special last night?

Marcus: It wasn't special.

Caius: That's not what you said when I r-

Aro: Children are in the room!

Caius: Fine...... but I don't think it's fair. (sobs)

Jane: How did we go from a cockroach to Caius and Marcus' sex live... with eachother?

Alec: I don't sis, I just don't know... (shudders)

Aro: Caius, Marcus we all have to talk later.

Caius: (still crying) Fine...

Marcus: Whatever.

Sulpicia: (walks in- FULLY DRESSED) What's going on?

Aro: (whisper whisper)

Sulpicia: Ew! Oh my Dracula!

Jane: Dracula?

Sulpicia: What?

Alec: Fail. Our family is a fail.

Felix: (from the doorway) I can't believe this is our goverment.

Demetri: You said it buddy.

* * *

**A/N: OKAY! What'd you think????????????? Don't worry it's not over, I'm going to do one mad spoof scene each chapter, and I'll update as frequently as possible! And if I get a few reviews I might update by tonight or tomorrow. :D**

**Please review and tell me if it's worth my time! **

**~Taryn**


	2. Poor, poor Mr Snugglebunny

**Disclaimer: Me: Well, I guess it's safe to say that I own Twilight.**

**Stephanie Meyer: What makes you think that?**

**Me: That.**

**Stephanie: ???? (turns around)**

**Raven: (smiling evilly as Stephanie sees her)**

**Stephanie: (runs away screaming again)**

**Me: Wow, what did you do to her?**

**Raven: Many, many, things.**

**Me: (laughs) What did you decapitate her or something.**

**Raven: I have in one of my disclaimers before.**

**Me: That's weird........... Show me how!!!**

**Raven: Okay first you--**

**A/N: Well, once again the very talented author Raven other known as crazykgirl9 on fanfiction. She is very talented, please check out her stories they're really great! Well anyway, here's the next Mad Spoof scene, and I'd like to thank Raven for helping me with this idea! She rocks!**

**-------**

**Once again somewhere in the Volturi castle**

Aro: (walking around looking like he has a secret)

Jane: (walks up) What'd you do now?

Aro: (talking fast) hellomydearone!

Jane: Are you hiding something?

Aro: (puts hand to his heart) What makes you think I am hiding something?

Alec: Maybe the fact that you are sweating venom.

Aro: (scoffs) It's hot in here isn't it?

Jane: Um, you are a vampire, you can't be hot.

Alec: Maybe it's that cockroach he ate.

Hiedi: (stomps in) ARO!!!!!!!!!

Aro: Crap! (hides behind Jane)

Hiedi: Gee, I wonder where Aro is.

Aro: (whispering to Alec) My hiding place is working!

Hiedi: (yanks Aro up by his collar)

Aro: I'M SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hiedi: How could you?!

Caius: What did he do?

Hiedi: He raped my porpoise!

Sulpicia: What?!

Aro: Heh, heh... Look guys she's just joking.

Hiedi: I am not!

Sulpicia: (gasp of horror)

Hiedi: And the worst part is; Snugglebuddy is boy!

Alec: Who names a porpoise Snugglebuddy?

Aro: I didn't necessarilly rape it, I-

Jane: Oh god!

Alec: Ew!

Sulpicia: (hisses)

Aro: Honey, calm down.

Sulpicia: Oh, you better run Aro.

Aro: AAAAAAAAAAAH! (runs away)

Hiedi: Get back here! (Sulpicia and Hiedi run after him)

Jane: Why our family? Why?

Caius: I don't know, but it's so PG-13 around here anymore.

Jane: But Alec and I are only twelve.

Marcus: Let's get rid of you two then!

Jane: (starts crying)

(off in the distance you hear) Aro: OOOOOOOW! Don't cut that off!!!!

Sulpicia: Oh who needs both their legs.

Aro: Apparently not me. (sobs) OW! AAAAh!

Hiedi: MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Alec: (looking off in the distance where the luny screams came from)

Caius: No fair! He said if anybody would ever decapitate him it would be me!

Marcus: He told me that too.

Alec: I think Aro is a big fat liar.

Caius: Like Marcus is any better.

Marcus: Get over it! It was a one night stand!

Caius: (crying) You're awful!

Marcus: I don't care.

Jane: (wiping eyes) Just when you think Marcus has feelings.

Marcus: I don't have feelings you little snot-nosed brat!

Jane: (causes shooting pain in Marcus)

Marcus: I'm sorry stop! (whimper whimper)

Jane: Say you have a fat gay butt!

Marcus: (sobbing the words) I have a fat gay butt.

Jane: (stops pain)

Marcus: (flits away crying)

Felix: (tisk tisk) I just can't believe the have power over us.

Demetri: I know it.

----------

**A/N: Okay that was the second chappie!!! What'd you think?! I going to end each chapter with Felix and Demetri! :D**

**Please review! It'll mean a lot! :)**

**BTW, I most likely won't have a new chapter up tomorrow, I have to update two of my other stories, thankies again!**

**~Taryn**


	3. Red Bull and Baby Sierra

**Disclaimer: Me: So I wonder, with Raven gaurding the door, and Stephanie nowhere in sight. It's safe to say--**

**Stephanie: (walks in, dragging Raven by the ear) **

**Me: It's safe to say that I own my kitty!**

**Stephanie: (drops Raven) What?**

**Me: I do not own Twilight, under every circumstance Stephnie Meyer does.**

**Raven: Taryn!**

**Stephanie: Finally, you guys have seen the light!**

**Me: Yes, you won't need to come here anymore.**

**Raven: Taryn!**

**Stephanie: Thank you (leaves)**

**Raven: What the heck?!**

**Me: I just wanted her to leave so I could say, I OWN TWILIGHT!**

**Raven: Oh!**

**Stephanie: HA! I knew you hadn't changed.**

**Me: (throws frisbee at her head, and knocks her out) I don't own twilight, dang it!**

**Stephanie:( Coming to) This isn't fair!**

**Me: Life's a bitch.**

**Raven: You said it sister.**

**A/N: Okay, I just saw New Moon a few hours ago, so I can picture this much better now. :D (be afraid) Ok, well here's another installment (OMG, I sound so professional) of my mad spoof!**

**in the Volturi castle... once again**

Alec: ARO! I wet my bed again!

Aro: Again?

Jane: Haha, big fat baby!

Alec: I'M NOT A BABY! (starts crying)

Caius: He still wets his bed? What a loser.

Marcus: I've never wet my bed.

Jane: (snickers) He always has.

Alec: It's not fair! You're all gaining against me!

Caius: It's what we do best.

Aro: Well, whatever. I have other things I must intend to.

Caius: Like what?

Aro: They have this new drink coming out. And I must try it. (flits away)

Jane: I wonder what new drink.

Marcus: Who cares.

**flash-forward to when Aro gets home**

Aro: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Caius: Um..

Aro: THAT NEW THING CALLED RED BULL WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jane: EEEEK! Oh, no!

Marcus: He can't be like that while the Cullen's are visiting!

Alec: What are we going to do?

Aro: BOOGERS ARE GREEN!!!!

(the Cullen's walk in)

Jane: here we go.

Carlisle: Hello everyone!

Aro: HI

Edward: (chuckles mysteriously)

Aro: EDWARD!!!

Edward: Hello Aro.

Aro: EDWARD! I WANT TO HAVE YOUR CHILDREN!

Edard: What?!

Jane: (spit-take)

Aro: EDDIE LETS NAME OUR BABY SIERRA! HE'LL BE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BABY BOY EVER!

Alice: (laughing) Aro, Sierra is a girl name.

Aro: NUH-UH!

Edward: (trying to sneak out)

Aro: (pounces seductively at Edward)

Edward: Stay away from me!

Alice: (covers Renesmee's eyes)

Bella: Um... what the hell.

Alec: Red Bull.

The Cullen's: OH NO!!!!

Jane: Everyone, besides Edward, RUN!

Edward: GET IT OFF!!!

Jasper: (looks at Carlisle) should we do something?

Carlisle: Naw...

Edward: (pushes Aro off)

Aro: NOOO! EDWARD DON'T REJECT ME!!

Edward: (runs away in screaming terror)

Jane: (bursts inot hysterics) Wait till Sulpicia hears about this one!

Demetri: Still can't believe we have to follow their orders... Hey you got any popcorn.

Felix: Nope.

---

**A/N: Okay I know it's been awhile, I'm Sorry! So what did you think about Sierra??? Please review!!!!**


	4. Who's Jane Is It Any Way?

**Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT! SO WOULD THOSE VOICES LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME SIT IN MY BOUNCY ROOM IN PEACE?!**

**A/N: Well, I know it's been FOREVER since I updated this story! But a dear reveiwer/reader gave me a REVELATION as I call it! That dear reader's Name is Cullensporks! Well, she will be making an appearance in this chapter, but you won't know when, how, where, who, or why! Because I'm evil and I feel like being all secretive! I'm like an FBI agent, or R.A.B.I (retarted annonymous bureau of investigation) Well, I'm rambling, ON WITH THE CHAPTER!!!!!!!!!! ... I wonder how much sugar was in that soda...**

Once upon a time in Volterra:

Aro: (sitting in throne room, beating Alec's butt at checkers)

Alec: Ugh! HOW COME YOU ALWAYS WIN!!!

Aro: Well my fond one, the truth is... YOU SUCK AT CHECKERS!

Alec: (sniff sniff) Well, you don't have to be so blunt!

Marcus: (snickers) That sounded like butt.

Jane: (skips in) Hi!

Alec: Whoa.. you're skipping... who'd you kill?

Jane: (giggles) Oh, silly you! Can I have your autograph?

Alec: o_0

Jane: Well... because, if anything ever happens to you, i want something to remember you by!

Alec: Wait, what do you mean? Are you plotting something?!

Jane: No! Of course not! (evil voice) Sign it!

Alec: (signs paper with scared look)

Jane: Thank you!

Sulpicia: Dear, are you feeling all right?

Jane: What do you mean by that bitch?!

Sulpicia: Um... same old Jane.

Caius: You smell different.

Jane: OH! Checkers! Who's winning?

Alec: (bursts into tears)

Marcus: Obviously not Alec. (wide grin)

Aro: Omigod! You like smiled! (preppy voice)

(Everyone stares at him)

Aro: Teehee, what?

Cauis: Are you feeling alright brother?

Aro: Totally!

Jane: I was going to ask you to sign my autograph book, but I don't want any creepy gay diseases you might have.

Aro: (giggles) You're so silly Jane!

Jane: (aggitated look)

Alec: Are you okay?

Jane: (hugs Alec) I LOVE YOU!

Alec: (pats Jane's back) I... Love... You... Too?

Jane: (giggles like a little girl)

Aro: Aw, you think your brother is hot too?

(everyone stares at him)

Sulpicia: Excuse me?

Alec: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (hides behing Caius)

Aro: Oh, don't be that way sweetie! (starts chasing Alec in circles around Caius)

Alec: Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Aro: Come here silly!

(then the fight is interupted by the clangs of the door opening)

(another girl who looked exactly like Jane crawled in)

The other Jane: ( trying to get off the floor) Arrest her! She's an imposter!!

Aro: What? (looks between the two Janes)

Jane: What are you talking about?

The other Jane: You stole my cloak, locked me in a closet and gagged me!

Jane: Um...

Aro: (rips Jane's wig off) She is an imposter!

Alec: Who are you?

(girl smiles evilly) My name is Cullensporks!

Everyone: Who?

Cullensporks: I've always wanted to be Jane!!!!

Caius: ARREST HER!!

Cullensporks: NEVAH!!! (runs away)

Demetri: Well who expected that?

Felix: Where's that damned popcorn?!!!!

**A/N: Well thank you to Cullensporks for letting me use her! I hope you like it, and i hope you think it's funny! Please review tell me if it sucked/ was good. I'll take the honest truth! I especially hope Cullensporks liked it! :D**

**~Taryn**


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